By Tana Marie
FOR BETTER OR
WORSE - THE TRUE TEST OF ANY RELATIONSHIP
You’ve met the
partner of your dreams, fell in love, pledged yourself to one
another, and merrily skipped off into “Happily Ever After.”
OK, so now what? What is “Happily Ever After” supposed to be?
What happens when something called LIFE occurs?
Too many relationships falter or fall apart when life dishes
out something other than the perfect “Fairy Tale Ending.” How
can this be? Isn’t love enuf? Isn’t finding someone, getting
together and developing the relationship the “hard part” while
the rest is smooth sailing? I’d love to be the first to say,
“Yes, absolutely” if I could, but unfortunately it isn’t
always the case. However it can be during some of the toughest
times that the REAL, AUTHENTIC romance develops, so don’t
worry about having to have things “perfect” all the time,
because they won’t be anyway.
The true test of any relationship is NOT during the good
times, the romantic, playful, stress-free periods we all love
– anyone can be Prince Charming or Lady Lovely during those
times. It’s the tough times, the ones that test our very souls
in one way or another, that displays the honest picture of our
relationships.
“For Better or Worse” has been a part of the Marriage Vows for
thousands of years for a reason – Wise men in ancient times
wanted us to know that love is a miracle, a precious gift and
that it does have it’s ups and downs. It’s foolhardy to think
otherwise.
When you truly love someone, if they are a part of your soul,
you would do anything for them, at any time, for any reason,
period. Not only when you’re in a good mood, if the Stock
Market is up, or the request doesn’t disrupt your normal
routine. If you are currently married, are in a new or
long-term romance, or are single and looking, this attitude
should permeate your romantic belief system and be a part of
your fundamental value system. It’s important to find out if
your partner shares these attitudes and values – BEFORE
anything unfortunate happens. (I’ll discuss how later in the
article.)
Through the years in my practice I’ve heard a myriad of
stories that poignantly demonstrate this point.
- Some couples
thought they had a fabulous relationship, until something
unfortunate happened and their partner became emotionally
unavailable or left the relationship completely.
- Others thought their
relationship was mediocre, their partner untrustworthy or
undependable, only to be astonished by them becoming a loyal,
devoted helpmate throughout the crisis.
How do you know if
the relationship you’re currently in is solid, or how do you
develop one that will weather any storm? The metal of any
person is how they handle the unpleasant, tough or tragic
times in life and relationship. We all react differently to
these situations, but don’t ignore some of the negative
telltale signs that your partner isn’t as invested in your
relationship as they should be simply because times get tough.
Here are a few stories for you as food for thought and perhaps
a yardstick to analyze your current relationship, put closure
on a confusing ex-romance or give insight to use when
developing a new love.
A woman experiences the tragedy of Breast Cancer and her
husband is beside her through the entire ordeal. Afterwards,
as she stands looking at herself in the mirror and mourns her
disfigurement, her loving husband remarks that she is as
beautiful now as the day they met. (THAT is TRUE LOVE.)
A man is injured at work and is unable to maintain his fitness
routine for quite awhile. Because of this sedentary lifestyle,
he puts on weight and is understandably frustrated by it all.
Instead of loving the man for who he is and supporting him
through this rough, albeit temporary period, secretly his
fiancé’ joins an online dating service to find someone who is
buff and “undamaged.” (This behavior is becoming more common
with our all too prevalent “disposable mentality,” because it
is perceived that a great relationship is “a dime a dozen” and
easy to find. NOT TRUE!)
An elderly woman moves into the home of a married couple at
the request of the wife. Her mother needs constant care and a
Convalescent Home is too expensive for the family. The husband
agrees, but begins to emotionally withdraw almost immediately
after his Mother-In-Law is settled in. Things continue to
deteriorate between the couple and he begins an affair with a
coworker. His reason? He believed that HE would always be the
center of his wife’s world and now he isn’t. (This
self-centered attitude also applies to anyone who dislikes the
attention their partner gives their children, a career or any
other time-consuming activity. It’s imperative for partners to
become sympathetic to what the other is going thru and realize
their primary love relationship is the most important element
in their lives.)
I could go on with a myriad of examples, but you get the idea.
So how do you know for sure how your partner will handle any
type of tragedy? Here are a few things to do to find out how
your partner may react during a crisis:
- ASK THEM!
Seriously, ask them how they think they would react if…………….
happened and really listen to their answer. They might not
know, but DO ask, even if it seems silly to ask these
hypothetical questions.
- Have a discussion
with your partner about problems/tragedies other people have
had, how they handled them and what the outcome has been.
Analyze together if you two would handle it in the same way
and if not, how? This will give you insight into possible
problem areas.
- If your partner
grew-up in a “perfect” or “ideal” environment, they might not
be as prepared to handle some of Life’s little surprises. In
this case, it is extremely important to have these discussions
with your partner so you both will know what to expect and
what to do.
- While the opposite
scenario is interesting also; someone who grew up in an
environment surrounded by conflict, tragedy or loss “should”
be able to handle just about anything, but don’t just assume
that’s the case. While in many cases is true, be sure to have
the same conversations as with someone who has never
experienced any type of hardship. It’s much better to be
informed and prepared.
- If your partner
refuses to discuss this, scoffs, gets angry, shuts down, makes
statements such as “it will never happen to us”, or any other
avoidance tactic – take note. This could be a Red Flag, or
indication that they won’t be there for you if something were
to happen. (It’s NOT 100% failsafe, just an indicator that
they might not know what to do, are frightened by the
prospect, or a dozen other reasons. However more discussion
should take place at some time to assure you both feel
comfortable with the answers and possible game plan.)
Regardless of how
“prepared” you might be, people do react differently under
stress, unfortunate circumstances, and tragedies. The best
thing you can do is to work on building your relationship into
a solid, healthy, impenetrable union that nothing can tear
apart. Nothing.
We have no guarantees, and during crises people will amaze
you. Sometimes the ones you thought you could depend on 100%
disappoint, while others come out of the Blue to lend a
much-needed hand. That is the miracle of Human Nature.
In closing, I’d like to add one of the secrets that assures
your relationship remains strong, continues to grow and
provides all the love and passion you can handle. It’s
actually a very simple technique – SHOW APPRECIATION!
Real, heartfelt appreciation is one of the most overlooked and
underused relationship enhancing tools. Showing appreciation
to your lover is essential, it’s allot of fun and gives you
amazing returns on your emotional investment! Showing how much
you appreciate them will keep those home fires burning and
kick your relationship up a notch, or 10!
Love and appreciation – flip sides of the same coin – will
keep your family and friends there for you no matter what.
Lavish both on your lover and you definitely will walk into
the sunset together!
**A Very Special Thank You**
Recently I
underwent a horrible emergency surgery, performed on my 8th
Wedding Anniversary, just days before a Milestone Birthday.
Needless to say, it was NOT the way we had intended to
celebrate our love or my Birthday!
However, my amazing, loving, devoted husband has been there
24/7 through this crisis – taking care of me, keeping the
house up, and our businesses operating - each are full time
jobs in themselves! All the while he has maintained a loving,
optimistic, emotionally generous attitude and behavior, with
no complaint or comment regarding his own concerns or obvious
fatigue. We have always had a solid romance, but it truly is
in situations such as these that the actual soul of a person
is revealed. His is GORGEOUS!
Mere words can’t express my undying gratitude, save to say
Thank You my Dearest Robert!
TM
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