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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

SHELL GAME VS THE SEARCH FOR ESSENCE

Ahhh relationships, you love them, you hate them, you’ve got to have them and what on earth do you do with all the baggage from the past? Well, let’s get down to it and I’ll give you some tools and techniques to rid yourself of that emotional baggage once and for all!

Human nature is so amazing, isn’t it? People are creatures of habit; many habits contribute to our highest good and give us what we really want. However too many of them are simply automatic responses that produce negative outcomes. Automatic responses are powerful because most people don’t know they exist. An example of automatic response to programming is how people become attracted to one another, including our beliefs about love and commitment. Everyone has a certain Type they’re attracted to, however this preference may not be producing your desired result in your love relationships. If you keep attracting the same negative type of person over and over, perhaps changing your preferred type can be healthy first step in creating the love you really want.

I’d like to show how this could actually work against you by telling you a story that is a great example of a process I have named, THE SHELL GAME VS THE SEARCH FOR ESSENCE or TYPE, TYPE – WHAT’S MY TYPE????

(Of course in the following story, the names HAVE been changed to protect the innocent!)
Sue entered the room and there, standing by the fireplace, was HIM-the embodiment of every fantasy she had ever had. A God! Where had he been all her life? Instantly she started to plan the wedding, mentally scanning her list of friends for the maid of honor - and kids, oh yes - Kids! He will father such gorgeous kids! She KNEW this man would make her happy, forever! Or would he? She hadn’t even met him, didn’t know his name, and yet, she had already sworn undying love for this man. She saw only the intriguing outer SHELL of this man, a stranger, and invented the rest of him, and their relationship, on the spot. Sue, like thousands before her, had fallen victim to the destructive SHELL GAME or Type fixation.

That’s silly, many of you might be thinking –but believe me, it is much more prevalent then you might think! AND this is not a gender-biased phenomenon – men do it as much as women do! So let’s get back to Sue’s story.

Sue sat in my office, tears streaming down her cheeks, and she recounted the tragic end to her latest love affair. “I don’t know what keeps going wrong. Why is this happening to me? It’s exciting in the beginning, and as soon as I become emotionally attached, they leave. They ALL leave!” She had completely given up on ever finding love. She believed she couldn’t trust ANY man, and that there wasn’t ANYONE out there for her. When she came in to my office for the first time I remember thinking how sad it was that those desperate, pain-filled words were coming from such a lovely woman.

Sue was beautiful, intelligent, loving, giving - the kind of woman most men would be happy to have in their lives. The problem was she was playing the SHELL GAME with a vengeance. She had developed such a well-defined Type or Shell description, that I could literally pick “her type” out in a crowd. Her type was a man well over 6 ft. tall, with jet-black hair, smoldering eyes, very slick and dangerous looking. He had to have an exotic, European look, be immaculately dressed, and appear unapproachable. These were the Only men she would even look twice at. She had developed a talent for attracting handsome men who Never had the personality, warmth, caring, values, or soul that she needed in order to be completely happy in a long-term relationship. She knew the SHELL characteristics, but never thought to look BELOW the surface to see the real man. She had decided very early on in her dating life that the “Blonde/Blue eyed Surfer Dude” was a slacker and never took anything seriously. She made this determination with NO evidence to support that fact – she just assumed the “outdoorsy” types were playboys and losers.

When I asked her what she wanted regarding her ideal man, she gave me a blank stare. The notion of stating her desires regarding the QUALITIES of a partner never crossed her mind. “Love is supposed to just happen! Right? If I’m too specific, I’ll jinx it! What about destiny?”

Because she had become so adept at playing the SHELL GAME, every time she met someone new, if he didn’t fit her physical picture exactly, she would instantly dismiss the possibility of a relationship. She had been doing this for years, and getting hurt repeatedly. It wasn’t the particular look, body type, or nationality that was causing the problem, it was the absence of her QUANTIFYING his values, seeking compatible personality traits, and looking behind the facade to see who he really was. She had NO idea what qualities, traits and characteristics she needed from a man in order to create the relationship she had always wanted.

She thought “Dangerous” meant “Passionate” and “Unapproachable” meant “Confident.” THEY DON’T. A dangerous and unapproachable facade usually translates into a dangerous and unapproachable partner in love. An Armani suit on someone who is going to mistreat you is just a gorgeous suit on a very abusive man. Look beyond and beneath the suit to see the real person.

Your goal is to create your ideal relationship with the person who is genuinely nice, loving, kind, in sync with who you are and what your life is all about. Now I know guys – when you hear “NICE” it usually means the kiss of death – and unfortunately it all too true. I have worked with so many women who think “Nice” is “boring, but please remember - “It’s easier to make a nice guy exciting - than to make an exciting bastard nice.” Don’t you really want someone who is genuinely warm, loving and NICE? Too many of my male clients have told me that they feel women seem to want men who are jerks and will really mistreat them. “When I’m a nice guy, the women walk all over me! They treat me like I’m yesterday’s news!” There are so many reasons that women seek out nasty men, but that is a whole other article. Women, start looking for men who will treat you fantastically well – isn’t that what you REALLY want after all? Odds are you’ll be treated better by a nice guy than a jerk – just do the math.

Back to Sue - I’m happy to report that she and her new husband, Troy, are doing very well and are creating their “Happily Ever After.” How did she do it? We first worked on identifying her heartfelt needs, wants and desires. She had to realize that she could have EXACTLY what she wanted in BOTH the Inner qualities – I like to call “the ESSENCE” - as well as the outer – or the “Shell.” Once she realized that she was interested in that particular “type” and why, she was able to get out of that painful Catch 22 and find her ideal man. By the way – he is Blonde, Blue eyed, a little taller than her, with a gorgeous smile and engaging personality – interesting, huh?

Have you been caught in the SHELL GAME? Or is someone you know currently experiencing it? If so, let’s talk about solutions.

One of the first things to do is look at the negative repeating patterns you may be currently experiencing or have in the past. Often it’s because you’ve had negative role models, or have been in so many unhealthy relationships that you’ve lost sight of what a wonderful relationship is supposed to be. I’ve found that many people have begun to believe those negative patterns and abusive behaviors are actually a “normal” part of a love relationship. They’re not. They have no place in any romance!

Secondly, being consciously aware of these programmed beliefs will allow you to change what is inappropriate for you. One of the best ways to figure out what some of your programmed responses are, is to examine some of your past relationship successes and failures. What worked, what didn’t and why. Write down your answers. With a little soul searching you’ll also figure out your “type preference” and if it does or doesn’t work for you. From there you’ll be able to make more informed romantic choices.

Lastly, write out your “Dream Sheet” or “Romantic Wish List.” List the essence qualities of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with – BE SPECIFIC! You’ll be surprised how your new partner resembles your Dream Sheet qualities – that’s why we do it!

Doesn’t that sound like a better way to select your romantic partners?