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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

WANT A FABULOUS ROMANTIC FUTURE?  PEEK AT YOUR PAST!

“Put your past behind you!” “Forget it, it’s in the past!” Statements like these and many others permeate our language and attitudes. For the most part I agree, “what’s past is past.” However, in terms of love and romance, taking an objective, detached peek into your relationship archives will give you an abundant amount of insight, answers and hopefully will help get and keep you on the right track as far as love is concerned.

So let’s begin by analyzing your romantic Successes and Failures. The intent is NOT to repeat the mistakes, but to understand your actions and the actions of your partner. Painful experiences bring about great lessons, however one of the tenants I highly hold is that you DO NOT have to experience pain in order to learn. The past, when looked at properly, is probably the best teacher available. By analyzing your actions and those of your partner, a great deal can be learned objectively, without re-experiencing the pain, or going on “auto-pilot” and treating every partner, or potential partner, like the enemy or someone who will, inevitably, hurt you. Understanding is the first key to your release.

Release from what? Release from the pain, suffering and negative emotions most people carry around from a lost love, painful divorce, surprise break up, or ongoing relationship difficulties. Once you realize that you never have to repeat these things again, you gain wisdom, feeling of control and the optimism to try again.

All right, we’re going to look at some of the things you can do to objectively analyze your past relationships. I always recommend taking out a pad of paper and pen when doing some of these processes, because you’ll be amazed at what pops up when start to do them.

Ask yourself the following questions:
• HOW did I choose my past partners?
• In other words, What values, needs, or personal criteria did I use?
• Were they the OPPOSITE of my Father, Brother, Uncle or 1st boyfriend?
• What KIND of partners have I attracted in the past?
• What attributes did I like, admire or respect about them?
• What attributes about them did I dislike, resent or hate?
• Want are the MOST IMPORTANT things I learned from my past relationships?
• What MISTAKES have I made in past relationships?
• Which ones are SINGLE EVENTS?
• Which ones did I REPEAT?
• Which ones am I STILL REPEATING?
• What MISTAKES did my PARTNER make in past relationships?
• Which ones were SINGLE EVENTS?
• Which ones did they REPEAT?
• If you’re still with that person - Which ones are they STILL REPEATING?
• What POSITIVE BEHAVIORS did BOTH of us use in the relationship that proved successful?
• Think about a POSITIVE relationship you had - And in that positive relationship, what were your BEHAVIORS, BELIEFS AND ATTITUDES?
• What were the BELIEFS, BEHAVIORS AND ATTITUDES OF YOUR PARTNER?
• What was the LONGEST RELATIONSHIP you are in?

One of the reasons I have you examine the things that went on in your past is to get a clearer perspective as to what happened and why. Too often after relationship has ended, or after a horrible fight, we go through the mourning process, many times STAYING angry, feeling POWERLESS, and swearing that we will NEVER experience this again. I call that “Our Pain Talking.” You know what I mean, those statements we make when we are in the most amount of pain. Statements like:
• I’ll never love anyone the way I loved him!
• No one will ever get that close to me again!
• No woman will Ever Use me like that again!
• If I’m so wonderful - why did he leave me?

Those statements we make out of our pain, carry a lot of emotional impact and become part of those automatic responses, “auto-pilot”, I was talking about earlier.

One of the best ways NOT to carry past pain into current or future relationships is to really examine those questions that I just covered. Remember that the intent of these questions is to help you gain clarity, and not serve as a sledgehammer to hit yourself over the head with. For instance, if you find that you keep repeating a certain mistake over and over again, it might be prudent to dig a little deeper and find out WHY this keeps happening, or what you’re NOT letting go of.

So often in my practice, women will come to me and ask:
• Why do I keep attracting the same kind of jerk?
• Or - Why did it start out fast hot and heavy and then end abruptly?
• Or - Why do I keep attracting abusive men?

What happens with women like this is:
• There’s a destructive need or drive they’re trying to fulfill
• They don’t believe they deserve anyone better
• They don’t know what they want and ANYONE would fit the bill
• For many - they have had such negative role models, that they think this is NORMAL in a relationship

Sadly enough, WE WILL KEEP REPEATING NEGATIVE PATTERNS UNTIL WE RECOGNIZE THAT WE’RE REPEATING NEGATIVE PATTERNS. But once you use DETACHED OBJECTIVITY to look at these positive and negative behaviors or beliefs, you really can free yourself from repeating them over and over again.

Let’s look at some of these statements and questions that I get from BOTH my female as well as male clients:

• Why do I keep attracting the same kind of jerk?
Many times the reason is they haven’t been specific about what they wanted in a love relationship, or quite often I find that women confuse Bad Boys with Passion. I can’t tell you how many times a woman has been sitting in my office in tears because she thought the bad boy she was currently dating would somehow miraculously turn into a nice guy. Please remember this – I’ve said it before, and I’ll probably say it again: “It’s easier to make a nice guy exciting than to make an exciting jerk nice.” Passion comes from getting to know someone, sharing goals, values and characteristics and feeling comfortable enough with that person to really express yourself sexually. Danger DOES NOT equal Passion. Danger = Danger. Now I realize some people really need this element of danger to feel passionate, however it usually ends up tragically in the end.

Another common question is:
• Our relationships started out so fast. It was exciting passionate whirlwind, we slept together the first night, we couldn’t get enough of each other, and then all of a sudden - NOTHING. No calls, no contact, nothing. What on earth happened?
One of the things I teach in my workshops is a model I’ve developed called the Evolution of Relationships. Simply put, it means that there is a natural evolution that all people experience when developing any relationship. The healthiest love relationships allow for gradual deepening of the feelings for each other. Getting to know someone, bringing them into your social circle, letting them bond with your family and friends, developing a solid friendship - Before you become intimate will give you the best chance for success in a long-term relationship. Remember - friends becoming lovers is the healthiest way to establish a long-lasting connection. It’s extremely difficult to build a home from the top down. Just as any builder must put in a strong, firm foundation prior to building any structure, relationships are essentially the same. If you jump into intimacy to quickly in a new relationship, it’s more difficult to backtrack and try to establish a friendship that should have been there on the first place.

The more completely you “do your homework” on this matter, the better, more passionate and healthier your romance will be. Honest!