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Tana Marie's Monthly Romance Column and Love Tip Newsletter

By Tana Marie

GUY CODE

You love him, work with him, or related to him - yet most of the time you have little or no clue what on earth he really means. Don’t worry, you’re not alone! Millions of wonderful, intelligent women have been reduced to tears or feel like inept 5 year olds when attempting to communicate with the men in their lives.

Have you ever wanted to communicate more effectively men? Most women have! Because of this, I’d like to give you a glimpse into the wonderful, and sometimes mysterious, world of male communication.

Guy Code: Understand Your Man

What’s that? Well, it’s pretty common knowledge that men and women communicate differently; we’ve known that for years. There are a myriad of books on the market covering that hot topic. But what I’m talking about specifically is how men communicate. Over the years, working with my female clients, often I found myself explaining what a man meant by saying, “well in Guy Code what he’s saying is...” I found it was a very simple way of explaining what a woman was experiencing with any man in her life.

Communication is a basic life skill, as important as the skills by which you make your way through school or earn a living. Your ability to communicate largely determines your personal and professional happiness and success. Men and women do communicate differently; this is a widely known fact. How each sex communicates, closely guarded secrets, behaviors and idiosyncrasies of each sex is not so universally known. Because of this, arguments, misunderstandings and frustrations ensue. Love and romance isn’t supposed to be mysterious, painful or confusing. Time to demystify the process! The first key to lifelong happiness with all the men in your life is to remember, despite evidence to the contrary, men just want to be loved, cherished, understood and be a vital part of your life. Some of the tips you’ll learn here will help you bridge that communication gap.

Let’s begin to analyze some of the idiosyncrasies about the way men communicate to better understand style differences. In my practice, while dealing with thousands of men over the years, I have coined a few phrases:

Guy Code; the manner in which a man communicates - which for some women can be likened to a foreign language. Men develop this style based on childhood upbringing, education, life style demands, culture, self-protection and survival needs.

Guy Time; a suspended sense of time versus real-time – in which women usually live. Case in point; the last two minutes of a football game that lasts three hours; or when he says “I’ll call you tomorrow” and a month from Wednesday he finally calls, acting like he spoke to you yesterday. Women can tell, with marvelous accuracy, the number of nanoseconds since she last saw her man, when he last called, what mood he was in and precisely when he uttered the words “I’ll call you tomorrow....”

Guy Version; of a story or event, usually contains a minimal amount of facts, the shallowest pool of details, and inevitably, the most important issue, detail or subtlety omitted completely. The woman version of the story is rich with intricate details. A woman can describe who was at the party, what everyone wore, what they were serving and what fragrance the host was wearing. Her man, at the same party, will usually sum it all up with whether is was “great” or “boring”. Now, this isn’t true for all men, there are many wonderfully detail-oriented men out there - but the phenomenon I’ve just described is very common for the majority of men.

Why do men communicate so differently? Much of their personal communication style is a learned response from their environment. Here are some of the societally inbred reasons that men learn to communicate so differently than women do. (Please remember that these are gender-biased, study based, universal statements and not true in every single case.)

1. Men are supposed to know all the answers - Women will seek answers
2. Men are more goal oriented - Women are more solution/process oriented
3. Men aren’t supposed to be emotional/weak/whiny/sappy - Women use a broad spectrum of emotions and can decipher even the most obscure emotional subtleties
4. Men are supposed to be studs/conquerors - Women are expected to be chaste “good girls”
5. Men can’t be wrong - Women certainly don’t like to be wrong but they usually won’t sever a limb proving their case
6. Men are supposed to be leaders - Women are leaders/followers/co-creators
7. Men are driven to accomplish/attain/conquer - many times to the exclusion of all else - Women can be as driven, but usually balance their accomplishments with other things in their lives
8. Men are more competitive - Women are more cooperative
9. Men traditionally are the hunter/gatherers - Women traditionally are the nurturers/caregivers
10. Men are encouraged to fix things and find solutions to problems - Women are looking for the connection to others
11. Boys are given toys and games that have to be solved or built - Girls are given toys and games that foster nurturing/interrelationships/emotional response.
12. Boys are encouraged to suppress their feelings, are told to “shake it off, you’re not hurt” - Girls are encouraged to express their feelings - in detail.

After reading this, you can understand why men and women do communicate differently and for entirely different reasons. Because boys are encouraged to suppress their feelings, men can be at a real disadvantage when attempting to communicate feelings and emotions. Since birth, women have been given a much larger “emotional palate” with which to express their feelings. Men don’t have as many “colors” to use to describe what’s going on inside of them. For many men, anger, frustration, aggression and competition are the only “acceptable” or “comfortable” means in which to communicate their feelings. Sadly enough, there are men who can’t even discriminate between some of the more subtle emotions. Others are even afraid of their emotions and will do anything to suppress or avoid any sort of emotional discussion or outbreak. This is a major cause of arguments and other problems within relationships. Most men want to express what they’re feeling, but often they are afraid of reprisals, doing it wrong or feel they just don’t have the right words.

Guy Code Rep Systems

One of the best ways I’ve found to start the process of decoding your man’s language is to understand that everyone – BOTH men and women - experiences their world primarily through their senses. These are called “Rep Systems”, because essentially it’s how we represent our world. To understand how this all works, people are summarized into three basic categories: Visuals; Auditories; and Kinesthetics. *If you want to establish immediate rapport and trust with someone, match his or her Rep System.

Visuals are people who experience the world through their visual senses - their eyes. The way something looks, someone’s appearance, a tidy environment and things that delight the eye are all very important to these people. Their language is filled with visual terms, phrases references and descriptions. They are “eye people.”

Auditories are people who experience the world through their auditory senses - their ears. The way something sounds, a pleasant voice, a harmonious environment and things that delight the ear are all very important to these people. They are “ear people.”

Kinesthetics are people who experienced the world through their tactile senses: touch; taste; and smell. The way something feels, a delicious smell, a warm and cozy environment, things that delight the physical senses are all very important to these people. They are “feeling people.”

Remember - everyone uses all 3 Rep Systems, but will always return to their primary system, especially under stress or when they’re uncertain of a new person or environment. It’s like their “emotional comfort zone.”

All right, do you want to figure out if your man is a Visual, Auditory or Kino? If you do, you’ll have to listen to how he speaks.

A Visual man will use visual descriptions in his common everyday vocabulary. For instance these are some of the things that a Visual man would say;
• “Why can’t you see my point of view?”
• “I see what you mean.”
• “Look how gorgeous the sunset is.”
• “You get the picture?”
• “You sure look good tonight!”
• “I’ve always had a mental picture of my ideal woman.”
• “I can see what you’re saying.”
• “Let’s cast some light on that subject.”
• “I need a new perspective.”

These are some of the typical occupations and hobbies of the Visual man;
Occupations:
• Photographer
• Cameraman
• Hairstylist
• Fine Artist
• Web designer
• Graphic designer
• Architect
• Surveyor

Hobbies:
• Sightseeing
• Long drives
• Going to the Movies
• Art collecting
• Reading
• Watching TV

These are some of the phrases that you can use with your Visual man;
• “Let see what develops.”
• “I really see what you mean by that.”
• “I’ve been looking for you all my life.”
• “We need more clarity on this situation.”
• “How do you see our relationship progressing?”
• ‘You look so handsome in that color.”
• “Can you imagine me in that slinky Teddy?”
• “From your description, I can visualize your new office perfectly.”

All right, what about the Auditory man? An Auditory man will use auditory descriptions in his common everyday vocabulary. For instance these are some of the things that an Auditory man would say;

• “I hear you.”
• “Listen to me!”
• “That rings a bell.”
• “I love how quiet it is here.”
• “I hear what you’re saying.”
• “Every time I hear this song, I think of you.”
• “I prefer a CD to a cassette any day; the sound’s much clearer.”
• “The concert last night had the most amazing sound system.”
• “Everything suddenly just clicked.”
• “That idea’s been rattling around in my head for a while.”

These are some of the typical occupations and hobbies of the Auditory man;
Occupations:
• Counselor
• Singer
• Lecturer
• Sound engineer
• Musician
• Lawyer
• Telephone salesman

Hobbies:
• Goes to concerts
• Listens to music – usually always has background music on
• Long talks in person or on the phone
• Plays a musical instrument
• Has television on for background noise

These are some of phrases you can use with your Auditory man;
• “Call me.”
• “How does a quiet evening sound to you?”
• “I really hear what you’re saying.”
• “I love the sound of those Bose® speakers in your new office.”
• “You have such a sexy voice.”
• “I enjoy hearing about your travels.”
• “I love how you say you love me.”
• “Let’s go hear that lecture at the college this weekend.”

A Kinesthetic man will use Kinesthetic descriptions in his common everyday vocabulary. For instance these are some of the things that a Kino man would say;
• “We really should keep in touch.”
• “I can feel your pain.”
• “My perfect mate is gentle, warm and loving.”
• “I can’t seem to get a handle on this problem.”
• “I just don’t feel comfortable doing that.”
• “I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.”
• “Hold on, I’ll be right there.”
• “You feel so good tonight.”
• “Don’t you think your answer was a little rough on her?”
• “You’re so hot!”
• “I love the way you smell. That new perfume is great!”
• “Get a grip!”

These are some of the occupations and hobbies of a Kinesthetic man:
Occupation;
• Masseur
• Physical therapist
• Sculptor
• Craftsman
• Social worker
• Minister
• Personal trainer
• Gardner

Hobbies:
• Sunbathing
• Long walks
• Going to spas
• Dancing
• Working out
• Eating/drinking
• Participating in sports
• Getting Massages
• Making Aromatherapy Candles
• Cooking

These are some of the things you can say to your Kino man:
• “Just hold me!”
• “I love how you touch me.”
• “How you feel about our relationship?”
• “Let’s walk into the sunset together.”
• “We need more of a grip on this problem.”
• “How would you handle the situation?”
• “I love touching you in that silk shirt.”
• “You make my heart pound!”
• “Do you like how my slinky Teddy feels?”

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to understanding how men communicate, but I think it gives you an idea of how to start building rapport with all the men in your life. Remember everyone uses all 3 Rep Systems, however everyone is most comfortable using one primary one.

Men, women have the same strategies when it comes to their communication styles, so you can use the same tips and strategies with the women in your life. Now get out there and Talk Their Language!!

Order an Audio CD of “Guy Code,” written and professionally recorded by Tana Marie. The CD contains much more information about the fascinating world of male communication!  Click here to view our complete list of CDs.